Started on 4.23.25, finished on 5.2.25

I really liked this book! I’m pretty over dating, and I don’t usually read books like this, but I heard Lily on a podcast I listen to and was interested to learn more. I definitely felt like this book taught me some things, and I would recommend it to single women.

The first thing I’ll say is that a lot of the book felt irrelevant to me. I would never go into a book of this type (anything in the self-help/coaching space) assuming it was going to be 100% relevant, but a lot of this book felt directed toward women who struggle with self-esteem and are actively slogging through the dating apps. I totally understand why that would be an important focus, but as someone who has not felt that way for many years, I spent a lot of this book thinking, “Okay yes, got it, what’s next?” Even the part about recruiting your friends is something I’ve been employing for quite some time.

But when it got to the “what’s next,” it was really helpful! I loved the parts about forming essence-based preferences, even though neither of her more extreme examples (having way too many specific requirements on one end of the spectrum vs having no requirements because you’re scared of eliminating people on the other end) apply to where I am. I used her framework to write out some essence-based preferences, and I do think it is a more helpful and more optimistic way to think about what kind of person you’re looking for.

I also really loved the author’s qualifying/disqualifying questions. I’m not planning to be on the dating apps anytime soon, but I could definitely see asking some of these in real life, even just for making friends. I jotted down a few of the ones that spoke to me most for future use.

The thing I knew I would struggle with the most going in was the part about co-creating dates. I have historically been someone who likes to let men lead, mostly based on past experiences. The author didn’t fully win me over to the side of being willing to ask people out first, but her framing of co-creating vs. muscling gave me a lot to think about.

Overall, I think this is a really good take on the current dating scene and worth a quick read if you’re interesting in trying a different approach.

Click here to buy this book on Bookshop.org

My favorite quotes:

“I don’t believe in ‘the one.’ I believe that there are many people who are awesome for you whom you could choose to love.”

“The number of matches, messages, or dates you go on is not an accurate indicator of how close to or far away from the right relationship you are.”